A husband and wife went on a shopping spree at a high-end mall. The wife was admiring a beautiful dress in a store window, and the husband sighed, “I guess we’re going in.” Inside, the wife tried on the dress, and the husband waited outside the fitting room. When she […]
A couple went to the supermarket to do their weekly shopping. As they were wandering the aisles, the wife noticed her husband wandering off into the snack aisle. She called out, “Honey, we need to stick to our list!” The husband replied, “Just a minute, dear. I’m looking for something […]
A Lebanese customer was walking into a popular market looking for a gift for his wife. He stopped in front of a flower seller and asked: “Do you have a special bouquet of flowers?” The seller said: “Yes, we have a very special bouquet! It contains different types of flowers!” […]
A ship with 30 sailors and one woman strands on a desert island. After one month the woman says: “I can not proceed in this way.” And she suicides herself. After another month, the sailors say: “We can not proceed in this way.” And they bury the woman. The next […]
A priest took a beautiful girl in his bedroom. He put a Bible on the bed and asked the girl to lie on the bed. When the priest tried to have se* with her, the girl shouted: “Father, what are you doing?” The priest replied “Calm down my child. Holy […]
A woman is divorcing her husband on the grounds of cruelty. His organ is so large it hurts her to have se*. After she has explained her problem to a lawyer, he tells her that he’ll file her petition. ‘Stuff that!’ says the woman. ‘Why can’t you go round and […]
A hippie walks on a bus and sees a nun. Being the straight forward kind of guy he is, he says “Hey baby, want to have se*?” The nun says “God no!” so she gets off the bus angry. When the hippie is about to get off the bus, the […]
A man knocked on a door an a women answered and he asked if he could use her toilet. She said you have 3 chances, if you do 3 things wrong I`ll call the police. So he went to piss but on the flush chain there was a bra so […]
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Amal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan’. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, […]
A Jewish Mother was horrified to find out her daughter was divorcing her doctor husband. “Does he hit you?” she asked. “No Ma.” “Is he cheating on you?” “No Ma.” “Did he lose his money?” “No Ma.” “You live in a beautiful house, you have luxury cars, your clothes are […]
A daughter asks her dad if she can invite some friends over for a sleepover Later that evening, he overhears them playing a game of “Truth or Dare”, and his daughter is asked when was the last time she had an orgasm, to which she responds “3 days ago”, at […]
An elderly mother and her young daughter was walking in front of a temple when the monk happened to spot them. The daughter was wearing booty shorts and a tank top at the time. The monk called from the distance and came towards them. “Child, that’s not an outfit for […]
The night before her wedding the mother takes her daughter aside. “Now, look,” she tells her daughter “Men are a little strange sometimes. If he ever tells you to turn over, I want you to get out of bed, pack your things and come home to me.” So the couple […]
Homosexuality is wrong because it is unnatural. Now, lets learn about a man born of virgin birth, that healed lepers and blind people with his hands, walked on water, turned water into wine, and how all the wrong in the world happened because a rib ate an apple because a […]
A man walks into a bar with an orange for a head. The bartender pours him a drink and says: “So—you want to tell me about it?” “Well, I was walking on the beach,” says the man with an orange for a head. “I found an old lamp in the […]
Woman goes to see a gynaecologist for the first time and is laying back when she hears him gasp Worried she asks if everything is OK and the gynaecologist responds. “Sorry, no, everything’s fine and healthy don’t worry. It’s you just have the largest vagina I have ever seen, and […]
A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve strings here.” The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up […]
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, “I’ve got news for you. You’re going straight to hell!” The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, […]
A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand. The turtle’s one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape. The bartender looks at the guy and asks: “What’s wrong with your turtle?” […]
A guy walked into a bar and said “Beers for everyone, even you, Bartender.” But when it was time to pay, the guy didn’t have the money, so the bartender beat him up. The next day the guy did the same thing, ordered a beer for everyone, even the bartender, […]
There were three guys in a bar boasting about the amount of control they have over their wives after getting drunk. One said my wife never says no to me, the second one says my wife always says yes to me. After a while one of the first two turns […]
A guy robs a bank and gets sentenced to prison for life. On his first day in prison. he sits down to lunch, terrified. No one’s saying anything. You could cut the silence with a knife. Then suddenly a biker-looking guy at his table stands up and shouts “FORTY EIGHT” […]
A princess promised to marry the man who will make her orgasm 100 times on a single session. Many knights and noblemen came forward to try their luck and stamina. One was exhausted after 5 orgasms. The second after 7. Then there was one who managed to make her orgasm […]
My friends warned me about this girl who was an abusive toxic manipulator, but I didn’t believe them and decided to go on a date with her. The date went well and we ended up in her bedroom. We both undressed and she explained her last boyfriends were hung like […]
A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around, that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of […]
A man and his trainer are preparing for a Championship Wrestling Match. The trainer tells the man, ” You look lean, you look strong, but whatever you do, don’t let him get you in the pretzel hold. No one has ever gotten out of the pretzel hold.” The day of […]
The young boy and girlfriend were finally alone together. He started pestering her for se*. “Come on, it will be fine, he said.” Blushing, she said “No…we shouldn’t…” “What about just the tip?” he said. “Well, ok,” she replied. He slowly starts to slide it in, and at first, he […]
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.” The room is quiet […]
A shy guy goes into a pub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?” She responds by yelling, at […]
There is that married couple and it was almost midnight. The husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water with an evil smile on his face. His wife asks, “I didn’t want aspirins from you. What’s these aspirins for?” “It’s for your headache.” “I don’t […]
A married couple who are professional skydivers decide they want to adopt a child. They visit an adoption agency, but the social workers there are hesitant about the idea. The couple explains that they live in a spacious, modern house with a fully equipped playroom and a large, secure backyard […]
Your best friend has three girlfriends. Their names are Doe, Ray, and Me. All 3 wants to do something special so they set up some dates. Three days ago Doe kisses him. Two days ago Ray vaginal s3x. Yesterday, Now Tell Me: Who sucks his dick?
Little Johnny finds out the neighbors dog had puppies so he goes over to play with them. Being a little boy he starts getting too rough. The neighbor says, “be nice Johnny or karma will get you.” Johnny plays nice for a bit but starts Johnny plays nice for a […]
Little Johnny Knows Secret of His Father Little Johnny’s dad asked if Little Johnny wanted to play a game Little Johnny asked, “What game is it”? His Dad replied saying “For the next hour, sit on the front porch, count how many blue cars drive-by”. And he sent little Johnny […]
Jealous Kid Applies Poison on Her Mom’s Nipples A little boy was jealous that his new born brother was getting all the attention of his family now so he decided to put poison on his mom’s nipples. Two days later. the mailman, a neighbor, and the pizza the delivery guy […]
As a blonde crawls out of her wrecked car, the local sheriff asks her what happened. The blonde began, “It was the strangest thing! I looked up and saw a tree, so I swerved to the right. and another …” The sheriff thought for a minute and then said, “Mam […]
A Zen novice called for an electrician. Upon arrival at the monk’s apartment, the electrician asked how he could be of assistance. “I’m having trouble and I still can’t get it to work.” The electrician examined the lamp, then nodded his head. “Well, this lamp has a built-in clapper, see?” […]
A blonde man marries his girlfriend who is also blonde. It’s their first honeymoon night and the man doesn’t quite know what to do. He calls his dad, who says, “Son, you take the hardest thing you got and you put it where she goes to the bathroom.” The newlywed […]
A blonde is swimming in a river. A man walks up and asks her, “What are you doing in there?” She says, “I’m washing my clothes. ” The man asks, “Why don’t you use a washing machine?” The blonde says, “I tried that, but it was too dizzy.
A blonde decides to try horseback rising. On her first outing, the bouncing horse causes her to lose control. As she’s thrown from the horse, her foot catches in the stirrup, so she lands head first. Just as she loses consciousness, the carnie stops the carousel.
Two blondes walk beside each other down the street. One of them sees a broken piece of mirror on the ground, grabs it, looks at it and says, “This girl looks so familiar, but I can’t remember where I know her from.” The other girl grabs it from her hand, […]
A man is sitting at a bus stop, and there is another man sitting next to him. Suddenly another man comes up to the second guy and says “E-E-Excuse me, s-sir. C-Co-Could you p-p-please gi-give me d-directions t-to-to the n-ne-nearest gro-grocery s-st-store?” The man didn’t say anything. He just sat […]
A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day. by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the […]
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband’s libido. “What about trying Viagra?” asked the doctor. “Not a chance” she replied. “He won’t even take an aspirin”. “Not a problem,” said the doctor. “Give him an Irish Viagra.” “What on Earth […]
A man walks into a bar and says “4 drinks please” The Bartender asks “Rough day?”, the man replies “Yeah, I just found out that my brother is gay”, the Bartender says “Well everyone has their own path”. The next day the man walks into the bar again and says […]
A teenage boy keeps depositing one million dollar in his bank account every day one day, Mrs. Mary the bank manager asks him to provide the source of all the money he’s depositing “I win it through gambling” he answers “nobody can win that much money so consistently through gambling” […]
An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.” “Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams. “We can’t stand the sight of each […]
“A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn’t paying attention, so she asks him, “If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?” Johnny says, “None.” The teacher asks, “Why?” Johnny says, “Because the shot scared them all […]
A woman went to the Laundromat one day She turns in a shirt with a stain hoping to get it removed. It was a short trip, she payed, she dropped off the shirt, and left. As she was leaving, the woman at the counter says to her “Come again” and […]
An old couple were talking about the days they were a young couple. The wife asked her husband, “What exactly did you think of me when we met?” Her husband replied, “I was able to describe you using the entire alphabet back then!” “What do you mean exactly?” “A: Adorable. […]
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital. The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery. He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure. The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to […]
A blonde and a brunette are taking a break. The brunette pulls out a thermos and starts to sip coffee while eating her lunch. The blonde asks what’s up with the funny looking flask. “It’s a thermos flask, it keeps hot beverages hot, and cold beverages cold!” the blonde is […]
A crab and a lobster are secretly dating. Pretty soon, the lobster tires of the lying and tells her father, who then forbids her to see the crab anymore. ‘It will never work honey’, he says to her. ‘Crabs walk sideways and we walk straight’. ‘Please’, she begs her father. […]
A man is walking through the wood and he meets a really ugly, big and a fat frog. The frog says: “Hello, prince if you kiss me, I will fulfill you one wish. You can wish whatever you want.” The man says: “Ok, I will kiss you.” He kisses the […]
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem – the captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand […]
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, […]
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs […]
A girl walks up to her mother and asks, “Mommy, why am I named Clover?” “Your grandma believes that it brings luck to our family.” Then, her other daughter walks up. “Mommy, why am I named Nirvana?” “Because, your aunt believes that is the place you go when you are […]
A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat. “No!” yells the blonde. Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again. “For the last time, no!” says […]
The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don’t sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on […]
A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom. The wife can’t orgasm because it’s too damn hot. They See A Se* Therapist, And He Recommends That They Have A Constant Supply Of Cool Air In The Bedroom, So The Man Asks His Best Friend To Waft A Towel […]
A husband and wife were having dinner They were at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she’ll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, “Who the hell was […]
A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability. So the couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful […]
A lawyer’s wife died. At her grave, everyone was appalled. The tombstone read, “HERE LIES PHYLLIS, WIFE OF ATTORNEY MURRAY WILLIAMS; SPECIALIZES IN DIVORCE AND MALPRACTICE”. Murray burst into tears. His brother said, “You SHOULD cry, pulling a cheap publicity stunt like this.” Murray said, “You don’t understand. I gave […]
Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says … “I’m sleeping with the priest’s wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?” The friend doesn’t like it but being a buddy, he agrees. After mass, Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all […]
A blonde has been working in a broom factory since childhood, despite the state’s strict anti-child labor laws, and has always been a good worker. But one day, she storms into her boss’ office. “I quit! That’s it, I’m not working here anymore!” “Why?” asks the boss. “What’s the problem?” […]
A blonde pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died. After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly. “What’s the story?” she asked. “Just crap in the carburator, ” the mechanic replied. “How often do I have to do […]
A woman got married, but her husband was abusive. She got remarried and that husband ran out on her. She got married again and that husband failed in bed. Finally, she put an ad in the paper: “Looking for a man who won’t abuse me, won’t leave me, and won’t […]
Dave took Mary out for a romantic dinner where conversation turned to the subject of marriage. Dave had been saving for an engagement ring, but he was in graduate school and in dire need of a new computer. Mary was understanding, telling Dave they had the rest of their lives […]
A guy and his wife went to an expensive golf course. He said to his wife, “Be careful of the expensive houses around us. I don’t know if we can afford to break a window.” His wife tees off and breaks the biggest window of the most expensive looking house. […]
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was […]
A married couple on a tight budget were shopping in a supermarket. The husband picks up a case of beer and places it in their shopping cart… The wife complained, “Put that back, we only have enough funds for essential items – not luxuries such as beer costing $20.” A […]
A man with a very large penis walks into a doctor’s office Edit: it’s been pointed out to me, and I agree, that this joke is way too long. Sorry, I got a bit carried away. The punchline may not be worth the investment of time. After he’s all checked […]
A woman decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel.. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high “I agree […]
A farmer buys a young rooster. As soon as he brings the bird to the farm, it rushes & fucks all 150 hens. The farmer is impressed thinking about all the eggs the hens would hatch. At lunch, the rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer gets a bit […]
A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor. As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father. They agree to it and are led into a room where they get […]
A science teacher asked her students “Children, if you could own one mineral what would it be? one boy said, i would choose gold. Its worth lots of money and I could buy a Corvette.” Another boy said ” I would want platinum because its worth more than gold and […]
A blonde is driving to see her Mom but Her car suddenly breaks down in the middle of nowhere… She sees a single house in the distance and walks to it. She knocks on the door to ask for help. A big guy opens the door …. Guy: What seems […]
A young Irish girl goes to confession and says, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. The priest replies, “Go ahead, my child.” “Well”, she says, “Last night I made love to me boyfriend… FIVE TIMES! And it was GLORIOUS, Father. He made me tingle all over, and I swear […]
A couple, both in their 70s, went to a s** therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?” The man said, “Will you watch us have s**?” The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you […]
A couple is having a nice dinner at a local restaurant, having a good time telling blonde jokes. Suddenly a blonde approached them and slapped her hand down on the table. She angrily tells them that she can take a blonde joke as well as the next person, but it […]
A cowboy who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. […]
A donkey was tied to a tree. A demon came and released it. The donkey entered the field of a farmer and began to eat everything. The farmer’s wife saw the donkey and was afraid that he would destroy the farm, took the rifle and killed him. The donkey’s owner […]
A lady comes home from her doctor’s appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, “Why are you so happy?” The wife says, “The doctor told me that for a forty-five-year-old woman, I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old.” “Oh yeah?” quipped her husband, “What did he say about […]
Three boys were discussing their father’s favorite foods. The first kid said his father loves to eat burgers. The second boy said his father loves KFC. The third boy said his father loves to eat light. The other two boys questioned how his dad does that. The third boy replied, […]
A professor was giving a lecture on involuntary muscular contractions to his first-year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, he decided to lighten the mood. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, “Do you know what your asshole is doing […]
Four nuns are in line to go into heaven. God asks the first nun if she has ever sinned. She says, “Well, I’ve seen a pen**.” So God puts holy water on her eyes and lets her enter. He asks the second nun the same thing and she says, “I’ve […]
A man goes over to his best mate’s house who recently got married for dinner. At the end of the dinner, the man and his best mate sat out on the patio talking before the man went to leave and go home. At a bit before 12am the man said […]
A man boards a plane and finds himself sitting next to a talking duck. A young and beautiful stewardess approaches and asks the boy and the duck if they want something to drink. “I would like a cup of coffee, please,” the boy says. “And I would like a can […]
An exhausted blonde dragged herself to the doctor’s office. “Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood,” he said. “They bark all day and all night and I can’t sleep a wink.” “I’m going to prescribe you some sleeping pills,” the doctor said. A few of these and your problems […]
A young Irish girl goes to confession and says, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. The priest replies, “Go ahead, my child.” “Well”, she says, “Last night I made love to me boyfriend… FIVE TIMES! And it was GLORIOUS, Father. He made me tingle all over, and I swear […]
On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she’s been able to cover up. After some […]
A 3 years old boy sits near a pregnant woman. Boy: Why do you look so fat? Pregnant woman: I have a baby inside me. Boy: Is it a good baby? Pregnant woman: Yes, it is a very good baby. Boy: Then why did you eat it?!
Young Johnny was called in by his mother… “Take the duck to the market and sell it..”, she said. So, Johnny being a good boy, he grabbed up the duck and headed out to market… On the way he passed the town brothel and noticed a woman was smoking a […]
The groom and I have been friends for a long time, but he had some trouble finding a best man. He first asked his richest friend to be his best man, but he said no. Then he asked his funniest friend to be his best man, but he said no. […]
This Little Girl Just Shocked Everyone With Her Assignment, Including Her Teacher. The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to […]
GIRL AND THE FLAGPOLE Boy: I’ll pay you 10 bucks to climb up the Girl: Okay. (climbs the flagpole) Girl Mommy a boy paid me 10 bucks to climb the flagpole. 16 Mom: He just wanted to see your underwear! …Next Day… Clic (Same boy): I’ll pay you 20 bucks […]
A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he’s getting sentimental because they’re celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, “No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your […]
