A blonde pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died. After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly. “What’s the story?” she asked. “Just crap in the carburator, ” the mechanic replied. “How often do I have to do […]
A woman got married, but her husband was abusive. She got remarried and that husband ran out on her. She got married again and that husband failed in bed. Finally, she put an ad in the paper: “Looking for a man who won’t abuse me, won’t leave me, and won’t […]
Dave took Mary out for a romantic dinner where conversation turned to the subject of marriage. Dave had been saving for an engagement ring, but he was in graduate school and in dire need of a new computer. Mary was understanding, telling Dave they had the rest of their lives […]
A guy and his wife went to an expensive golf course. He said to his wife, “Be careful of the expensive houses around us. I don’t know if we can afford to break a window.” His wife tees off and breaks the biggest window of the most expensive looking house. […]
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was […]
A married couple on a tight budget were shopping in a supermarket. The husband picks up a case of beer and places it in their shopping cart… The wife complained, “Put that back, we only have enough funds for essential items – not luxuries such as beer costing $20.” A […]
A man with a very large penis walks into a doctor’s office Edit: it’s been pointed out to me, and I agree, that this joke is way too long. Sorry, I got a bit carried away. The punchline may not be worth the investment of time. After he’s all checked […]
A woman decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel.. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high “I agree […]
A farmer buys a young rooster. As soon as he brings the bird to the farm, it rushes & fucks all 150 hens. The farmer is impressed thinking about all the eggs the hens would hatch. At lunch, the rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer gets a bit […]
A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor. As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father. They agree to it and are led into a room where they get […]
A science teacher asked her students “Children, if you could own one mineral what would it be? one boy said, i would choose gold. Its worth lots of money and I could buy a Corvette.” Another boy said ” I would want platinum because its worth more than gold and […]
A young Irish girl goes to confession and says, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. The priest replies, “Go ahead, my child.” “Well”, she says, “Last night I made love to me boyfriend… FIVE TIMES! And it was GLORIOUS, Father. He made me tingle all over, and I swear […]
A couple, both in their 70s, went to a s** therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?” The man said, “Will you watch us have s**?” The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you […]
A couple is having a nice dinner at a local restaurant, having a good time telling blonde jokes. Suddenly a blonde approached them and slapped her hand down on the table. She angrily tells them that she can take a blonde joke as well as the next person, but it […]
A cowboy who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. […]
A donkey was tied to a tree. A demon came and released it. The donkey entered the field of a farmer and began to eat everything. The farmer’s wife saw the donkey and was afraid that he would destroy the farm, took the rifle and killed him. The donkey’s owner […]
A lady comes home from her doctor’s appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, “Why are you so happy?” The wife says, “The doctor told me that for a forty-five-year-old woman, I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old.” “Oh yeah?” quipped her husband, “What did he say about […]
Three boys were discussing their father’s favorite foods. The first kid said his father loves to eat burgers. The second boy said his father loves KFC. The third boy said his father loves to eat light. The other two boys questioned how his dad does that. The third boy replied, […]
A professor was giving a lecture on involuntary muscular contractions to his first-year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, he decided to lighten the mood. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, “Do you know what your asshole is doing […]
Four nuns are in line to go into heaven. God asks the first nun if she has ever sinned. She says, “Well, I’ve seen a pen**.” So God puts holy water on her eyes and lets her enter. He asks the second nun the same thing and she says, “I’ve […]
A man goes over to his best mate’s house who recently got married for dinner. At the end of the dinner, the man and his best mate sat out on the patio talking before the man went to leave and go home. At a bit before 12am the man said […]
A man boards a plane and finds himself sitting next to a talking duck. A young and beautiful stewardess approaches and asks the boy and the duck if they want something to drink. “I would like a cup of coffee, please,” the boy says. “And I would like a can […]
An exhausted blonde dragged herself to the doctor’s office. “Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood,” he said. “They bark all day and all night and I can’t sleep a wink.” “I’m going to prescribe you some sleeping pills,” the doctor said. A few of these and your problems […]
A young Irish girl goes to confession and says, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. The priest replies, “Go ahead, my child.” “Well”, she says, “Last night I made love to me boyfriend… FIVE TIMES! And it was GLORIOUS, Father. He made me tingle all over, and I swear […]
On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she’s been able to cover up. After some […]
A 3 years old boy sits near a pregnant woman. Boy: Why do you look so fat? Pregnant woman: I have a baby inside me. Boy: Is it a good baby? Pregnant woman: Yes, it is a very good baby. Boy: Then why did you eat it?!
Young Johnny was called in by his mother… “Take the duck to the market and sell it..”, she said. So, Johnny being a good boy, he grabbed up the duck and headed out to market… On the way he passed the town brothel and noticed a woman was smoking a […]
The groom and I have been friends for a long time, but he had some trouble finding a best man. He first asked his richest friend to be his best man, but he said no. Then he asked his funniest friend to be his best man, but he said no. […]
This Little Girl Just Shocked Everyone With Her Assignment, Including Her Teacher. The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to […]
Two women friends met after many years. “Tell me”, said one, “What happened to your son?” “My son, the poor lad!” sighed the mother. “What an unfortunate marriage he had to a girl who won’t do a single work in the house. All she does is sleep and loaf and […]
GIRL AND THE FLAGPOLE Boy: I’ll pay you 10 bucks to climb up the Girl: Okay. (climbs the flagpole) Girl Mommy a boy paid me 10 bucks to climb the flagpole. 16 Mom: He just wanted to see your underwear! …Next Day… Clic (Same boy): I’ll pay you 20 bucks […]
A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he’s getting sentimental because they’re celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, “No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your […]
Jack & The Blonde Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV… The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge […]
SHE WAS ALREADY SCARED TO OPEN THIS BILL FOR HER SURGERY. BUT SHE CRIED AFTER READING THIS. One day, a poor boy who was selling goods from door to door to pay his way through school, found he had only one thin dime left, and he was hungry. He decided […]
90 YEAR OLD GOLFER A 90-year-old golfer tells his wife that he is quitting the game.”But why?” asks his wife. “Well, it’s my eyesight. I can’t see where the ball goes after I hit it”. The wife says, “Listen, you can go with my brother Pete. He might be 103 […]
MOM SHOVED & SCREAMED AT HER KID FOR DROPPING A PIECE OF CHICKEN. THE REASON WHY SHE DID IT IS HEARTBREAKING. Gmivarming I was outside of a Johnny Rockets counter in Magic Mountain with some friends when this lady shouts at her son (six or seven maybe) loud enough that […]
John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital. One day, John suddenly dived into the deep end of the swimming pool. David jumped in and saved him, and the medical director came to know of his heroic act. He immediately order David to be discharged from the mental […]
A Stupid Answer For A Stupid Question NEVER My mother always told me, ‘Boy, if somebody asks you a stupid question, you give them a stupid answer.’ The cops walked up to my car, ‘Would you like to step out of the car? ‘ I said, ‘Hell no, it’s bot […]
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word Bob says “I’ll […]
A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job. The Manager says, “Do you have any · sales experience?” The kid says, “Yeah. I was a salesman back in Omaha. ” Well, the boss liked the […]
Little Johnny was walking on the beach when he saw an old bottle in the sand. He picked it up and cleaned it. Then a genie came out and said, ” Boy, Thank You for letting me You for letting me out. Make a wish and I’ll grant it !!” […]
A Wife casually calls her husband at the office one afternoon Wife: Hi, how r u…? Husband: I m fine…! Wife: What did u have for lunch today? Husband: Dont you have anything else to ask?? You have only silly questions like what did you eat … what dress wearing […]
A couple got married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. “I’ll be home when I want if I want, and at what time I want,” he said. “And, I don’t expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table […]
One night after a date, a guy takes his 19 year old girlfriend home. After kissing each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, “Babe, […]
A doctor just finishes his check-up with a man. Dr: I’ve got good new and bad news. Which do you want to hear first? Patient: I guess the bad news. Dr: Well, you only have about 3 months to live and there’s nothing else we can do. I’m sorry. Patient: […]
A husband and wife are awoken at 3 AM by a loud pounding on the door The husband looks out the bedroom window through the pouring rain, and sees a car he does not recognize parked on the street out front. He gets up to answer the door, where a […]
A guy walks into a bar looking to stir up some trouble. The bartender asks, “Hey there, what can I get you?” The guy looks around and sees another guy sitting at a table mulling over a still full drink and says, “I can get it myself.” Leaving the bartender […]
I asked my friend, “What is the secret behind your Happy Married Life?” He said “You should share responsi- bilities with due love and respect each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems.” I asked “Can you explain?” He said “In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues […]
Barry returned from a doctor’s visit one day and told his wife, Carolyn that the doctor live. ………….. only had 24 hours to Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love. Six hours later, Barry went to […]
After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman’s nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. “Is this your husband?” he nervously asks. “No, silly,” she replies, snuggling up to him. “Your boyfriend, then?” he continues. “No, not at all,” […]
A wife finds a note from her husband on the fridge one morning..My dear wife,. You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after […]
One day, 3 men died and went to heaven. “Religion?” God’s secretary asked the first man. “Jewish,” the man replied. “Okay, go to room 23, but be very quiet when you go past room 8,” the secretary said. “Religion?” he asked the second man. “Muslim.” “Go to room 10, but […]
Two women friends met after many years. “Tell me”, said one, “What happened to your son?” “My son, the poor lad!” sighed the mother. “What an unfortunate marriage he had to a girl who won’t do a single work in the house. All she does is sleep and loaf and […]
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed. “If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?” he asked. “Yes!” said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable […]
After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman’s nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. “Is this your husband?” he nervously asks. “No, silly,” she replies, snuggling up to him. “Your boyfriend, then?” he continues. “No, not at all,” […]
A man gets shipwrecked on an island and his only two companions are a dog…and a pig. He manages to find plenty of food for the three of them, and they settle in for a long stay as the man tries to think of a way for the three of […]
A blonde has just inherited a Ranch but only had two horses. The problem was she couldn’t tell them apart. So she goes to her neighbor rancher and asks for help. He suggests cutting ones tail a bit shorter then the other. She does it but then a week later […]
A young investment banker decides to splurge on a Lamborghini Aventador. After paying close to $400,000 for his dream machine, he decides to take it out for a spin. He stops at a red light and an old man on a moped pulls up next to him. The old man […]
A Horse And a chicken are playing together in a meadow, when suddenly the ground gives way, and the horse falls into a deep pit. The horse calls out to the chicken, “Chicken, you have to help me get out of here!” So the chicken takes off for the farm. […]
A man is transporting a coffin when his car breaks down. He pulls over and after messing about with the engine trying to fix it, covering himself in oils and grime, he calls for a mechanic, they tell him they can come in just under an hour to asses the […]
An engineer was not getting a job, So he opened a clinic and wrote outside the clinic, getting treated for 200$ and if the treatment is not done, I will return 500 $. a woman man was passing by the clinic and saw it and said it was a good […]
The teacher said to the children sitting in the class: James, tell me, what will you be when you grow up? “James said: After doing an MBA, I will become a great pilot.” “I will build a house in the most expensive area of the city.” “Will even visit every […]
Grandpa tells his grandson, “all you kids do these days is play video games.” When I was your age”, he continued, “my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn’t pay for our drinks all night and […]
A wealthy man was ordered by his physician – funny jokes and humor A wealthy man was ordered by his physician to go away to the mountains for a rest. He went home, told the members of his family what the doctor had said. He said, “While I’m away, I […]
A tomato and a pineapple were sitting on a supermarket shelf. The tomato turns to the pineapple and says, “Hey, you know, we’ve been sitting here next to each other for a while now. I think we’re like soulmates, don’t you think?” The pineapple scoffs and replies, “Soulmates? Please! I’m […]
Three men travel to Turkey. but when they arrive at the airport the customs officer tells them that, in order to improve the country’s gene pool, they only allow groups of men to enter the country if the combined length of their pen*** is at least 100 cm. So the […]
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window.For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, “Look, […]
A woman tells her husband Fred that if he doesn’t stop getting wasted, she’ll leave him. He takes her seriously and hasn’t had more than one drink in a day for over a month. But he has a bad day. He decides to go to a bar and have one […]
A Norwegian man was visiting Sweden and took a taxi from the airport. While chit chatting the taxi driver asked him a riddle. “Do you know who is my mother’s baby and my fathers, but not my brother nor sister? “ The Norwegian thought of this the whole way to […]
