Author: lulia

A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day. by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the […]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband’s libido. “What about trying Viagra?” asked the doctor. “Not a chance” she replied. “He won’t even take an aspirin”. “Not a problem,” said the doctor. “Give him an Irish Viagra.” “What on Earth […]

A man walks into a bar and says “4 drinks please” The Bartender asks “Rough day?”, the man replies “Yeah, I just found out that my brother is gay”, the Bartender says “Well everyone has their own path”. The next day the man walks into the bar again and says […]

A teenage boy keeps depositing one million dollar in his bank account every day one day, Mrs. Mary the bank manager asks him to provide the source of all the money he’s depositing “I win it through gambling” he answers “nobody can win that much money so consistently through gambling” […]

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.” “Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams. “We can’t stand the sight of each […]

“A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn’t paying attention, so she asks him, “If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?” Johnny says, “None.” The teacher asks, “Why?” Johnny says, “Because the shot scared them all […]

A woman went to the Laundromat one day She turns in a shirt with a stain hoping to get it removed. It was a short trip, she payed, she dropped off the shirt, and left. As she was leaving, the woman at the counter says to her “Come again” and […]

An old couple were talking about the days they were a young couple. The wife asked her husband, “What exactly did you think of me when we met?” Her husband replied, “I was able to describe you using the entire alphabet back then!” “What do you mean exactly?” “A: Adorable. […]

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital. The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery. He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure. The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to […]

A blonde and a brunette are taking a break. The brunette pulls out a thermos and starts to sip coffee while eating her lunch. The blonde asks what’s up with the funny looking flask. “It’s a thermos flask, it keeps hot beverages hot, and cold beverages cold!” the blonde is […]

A crab and a lobster are secretly dating. Pretty soon, the lobster tires of the lying and tells her father, who then forbids her to see the crab anymore. ‘It will never work honey’, he says to her. ‘Crabs walk sideways and we walk straight’. ‘Please’, she begs her father. […]

A man is walking through the wood and he meets a really ugly, big and a fat frog. The frog says: “Hello, prince if you kiss me, I will fulfill you one wish. You can wish whatever you want.” The man says: “Ok, I will kiss you.” He kisses the […]

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem – the captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand […]

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, […]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs […]

A girl walks up to her mother and asks, “Mommy, why am I named Clover?” “Your grandma believes that it brings luck to our family.” Then, her other daughter walks up. “Mommy, why am I named Nirvana?” “Because, your aunt believes that is the place you go when you are […]

A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat. “No!” yells the blonde. Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.   “For the last time, no!” says […]

The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don’t sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on […]

A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom. The wife can’t orgasm because it’s too damn hot. They See A Se* Therapist, And He Recommends That They Have A Constant Supply Of Cool Air In The Bedroom, So The Man Asks His Best Friend To Waft A Towel […]

A husband and wife were having dinner They were at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she’ll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, “Who the hell was […]

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability. So the couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful […]

A lawyer’s wife died. At her grave, everyone was appalled. The tombstone read, “HERE LIES PHYLLIS, WIFE OF ATTORNEY MURRAY WILLIAMS; SPECIALIZES IN DIVORCE AND MALPRACTICE”. Murray burst into tears. His brother said, “You SHOULD cry, pulling a cheap publicity stunt like this.” Murray said, “You don’t understand. I gave […]

Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says … “I’m sleeping with the priest’s wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?” The friend doesn’t like it but being a buddy, he agrees. After mass, Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all […]

A blonde has been working in a broom factory since childhood, despite the state’s strict anti-child labor laws, and has always been a good worker. But one day, she storms into her boss’ office. “I quit! That’s it, I’m not working here anymore!” “Why?” asks the boss. “What’s the problem?” […]

A blonde pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died. After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly. “What’s the story?” she asked. “Just crap in the carburator, ” the mechanic replied. “How often do I have to do […]

A woman got married, but her husband was abusive. She got remarried and that husband ran out on her. She got married again and that husband failed in bed. Finally, she put an ad in the paper: “Looking for a man who won’t abuse me, won’t leave me, and won’t […]

Dave took Mary out for a romantic dinner where conversation turned to the subject of marriage. Dave had been saving for an engagement ring, but he was in graduate school and in dire need of a new computer. Mary was understanding, telling Dave they had the rest of their lives […]

A guy and his wife went to an expensive golf course. He said to his wife, “Be careful of the expensive houses around us. I don’t know if we can afford to break a window.” His wife tees off and breaks the biggest window of the most expensive looking house. […]

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was […]

A married couple on a tight budget were shopping in a supermarket. The husband picks up a case of beer and places it in their shopping cart… The wife complained, “Put that back, we only have enough funds for essential items – not luxuries such as beer costing $20.” A […]

A man with a very large penis walks into a doctor’s office Edit: it’s been pointed out to me, and I agree, that this joke is way too long. Sorry, I got a bit carried away. The punchline may not be worth the investment of time. After he’s all checked […]

A woman decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel.. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.  She demanded to know why the charge was so high “I agree […]

A farmer buys a young rooster. As soon as he brings the bird to the farm, it rushes & fucks all 150 hens. The farmer is impressed thinking about all the eggs the hens would hatch. At lunch, the rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer gets a bit […]

A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor. As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father. They agree to it and are led into a room where they get […]

A science teacher asked her students “Children, if you could own one mineral what would it be? one boy said, i would choose gold. Its worth lots of money and I could buy a Corvette.” Another boy said ” I would want platinum because its worth more than gold and […]

A young Irish girl goes to confession and says, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. The priest replies, “Go ahead, my child.” “Well”, she says, “Last night I made love to me boyfriend… FIVE TIMES! And it was GLORIOUS, Father. He made me tingle all over, and I swear […]

A couple, both in their 70s, went to a s** therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?” The man said, “Will you watch us have s**?” The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you […]

A couple is having a nice dinner at a local restaurant, having a good time telling blonde jokes. Suddenly a blonde approached them and slapped her hand down on the table. She angrily tells them that she can take a blonde joke as well as the next person, but it […]

A cowboy who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. […]

A donkey was tied to a tree. A demon came and released it. The donkey entered the field of a farmer and began to eat everything. The farmer’s wife saw the donkey and was afraid that he would destroy the farm, took the rifle and killed him. The donkey’s owner […]

A lady comes home from her doctor’s appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, “Why are you so happy?” The wife says, “The doctor told me that for a forty-five-year-old woman, I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old.” “Oh yeah?” quipped her husband, “What did he say about […]

Three boys were discussing their father’s favorite foods. The first kid said his father loves to eat burgers. The second boy said his father loves KFC. The third boy said his father loves to eat light. The other two boys questioned how his dad does that. The third boy replied, […]

A professor was giving a lecture on involuntary muscular contractions to his first-year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, he decided to lighten the mood. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, “Do you know what your asshole is doing […]

Four nuns are in line to go into heaven. God asks the first nun if she has ever sinned. She says, “Well, I’ve seen a pen**.” So God puts holy water on her eyes and lets her enter. He asks the second nun the same thing and she says, “I’ve […]

A man goes over to his best mate’s house who recently got married for dinner. At the end of the dinner, the man and his best mate sat out on the patio talking before the man went to leave and go home. At a bit before 12am the man said […]

A man boards a plane and finds himself sitting next to a talking duck. A young and beautiful stewardess approaches and asks the boy and the duck if they want something to drink. “I would like a cup of coffee, please,” the boy says. “And I would like a can […]

An exhausted blonde dragged herself to the doctor’s office. “Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood,” he said. “They bark all day and all night and I can’t sleep a wink.” “I’m going to prescribe you some sleeping pills,” the doctor said. A few of these and your problems […]

A young Irish girl goes to confession and says, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. The priest replies, “Go ahead, my child.” “Well”, she says, “Last night I made love to me boyfriend… FIVE TIMES! And it was GLORIOUS, Father. He made me tingle all over, and I swear […]

On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she’s been able to cover up. After some […]

A 3 years old boy sits near a pregnant woman. Boy: Why do you look so fat? Pregnant woman: I have a baby inside me. Boy: Is it a good baby? Pregnant woman: Yes, it is a very good baby. Boy: Then why did you eat it?!

Young Johnny was called in by his mother… “Take the duck to the market and sell it..”, she said. So, Johnny being a good boy, he grabbed up the duck and headed out to market… On the way he passed the town brothel and noticed a woman was smoking a […]