Wife: “Isn’t this just like our honeymoon? Remember the resort, the view, the fancy dinners?” Husband: “Of course! … I just can’t seem to remember why the laundry is my new full-time job now.” Wife: “Because you were so charming back then that you volunteered.”
Husband: “I learned the secret to a happy marriage!” Friend: “Oh, what is it?” Husband: “It’s simple. Two words: ‘Yes, dear!’” Friend: “How’s it working out?” Husband: “Let’s just say I’ve become a pro at agreeing to everything… especially when I don’t remember the original question!”
A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, out to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?” His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before. “Oh no,” says Dave. “Hes on my […]
A woman walks into a pharmacy… She goes up to the counter and the Pharmacist asks, “May I help you? “Yes please,” she says. “I’d like some Arsenic” “What do you want that for?” asks the Pharmacist. “I’m going to kill my husband.” She replies. “I can’t give you that!” […]
Two 90-year-olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, “Well, tonight’s the night we have sex!” And so they did. As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself: My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been […]
A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.” He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What is your occupation?” The woman replies, “I’m […]
A man is obsessed with trains. A man is obsessed with trains, so he finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people… At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and is sentenced to death. Before he is executed, he is offered a last meal, […]
This guy sticks his head into a barbershop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop and says, “About two hours.” The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, “How long before […]
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, Observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off He asked what she’d like to have for her Birthday. ‘I’d like to be twelve again’, she replied, Still looking in the mirror. On […]
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked the flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for […]
Three hookers are sitting in a bar It’s a quiet Tuesday evening and to kill time waiting for customers they’re chatting about their experience. The brunette goes first “I can fit a 12″er and still have room for a finger or two”, she proudly claims. The redhead scoffs, “that’s nothing, […]
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect. They end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three […]
A couple on their first date decide to go to his place afterwards When they arrive, before he even gets the house keys out of his pocket, the girl says: “You know, I can actually tell whether the man I’m dating and I are compatible based on how he opens […]
There once was a girl named Pinkie who desired to have a little inky, when the notion of the motion was planted, in her dinky little head. With her butt in the air, while the man in the sidecar tattooed her derriere 100 miles per hour down I 45 to […]
I may be a cold hearted and a unloving bitch, but I’m damn good at it How am I driving? Call 1800-KISS-MY-ASS I’m not an alcholic Alcoholics go to meetings I am a drunk NO FAT CHICKS! Dont laugh at my ride, your daughter may be in it! Horn broke […]
A blonde is driving down the road and she sees a dead rabbit. She stops the car and called out, “Does anybody got any hairspray!?” A man pulls up and gives her a bottle of spray and she sprays it on the dead rabbit and the man stares and says […]
A man asks a guy if he likes fishdicks, the stupid guy answers like this because he thinks that he said fishsticks so he says, “Yes, I Love them.” Then the man asks him again and says “Do you like having them in your mouth?” Then the stupid Guy answears […]
A mother goes to the market and leaves her lilttle boy in the house. Meanwhile, she leaves her phone charging on the floor in the house. Unfortunately, power goes off and there is a message that comes with a sound on the phone. The message reads, ‘ battery low’. Concerned, […]
A woman arrives at a party She sees a good looking guy standing on his own so she goes up to him and says “hi my name is Carmen”. “That’s a nice name” said the man “is it a family name” “No” said the woman “I gave it to myself […]
A man goes to the doctor because his penis has turned a greenish color. The doctor takes a look and says “I’m really sorry but it looks like you have a rare case of Hong Kong dong. I’m afraid the only option is to amputate” The man is in disbelief […]
A man is walking along a California beach. He sees something in the sand and as he moves the sand away he realises it is a genies lamp. He rubs it and to his surprise a genie appears and says “I will grant you one wish”. The man replies “I […]
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited – she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next […]
A man asks a farmer near the field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:30 PM train.” The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the […]
A foreign tourist decided to hire a tour guide in Beirut to explore the city. A Lebanese tour guide came and took them on a tour of the city. When they reached a historical area, the tourist asked: “What makes this area special?” The guide answered seriously: “This area has […]
Two women are walking home from the bar, they both have to piss so they slip into a nearby cemetery. One uses her panties to wipe herself, and the other uses a reef off a head stone. Next night, the husbands meet at the bar, one looks at the other […]
Son: “Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl.” Father: “That’s great, son! Who is she?” Son: “It’s Sandra, the neighbor’s daughter.” Father: “Ohhh, I wish you hadn’t said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. […]
A husband decided to try a new experiment at home. He tried to fix a broken light bulb, but ended up making a huge mess. The wife came into the room and asked him, “What are you doing here?” The husband replied, “Fixing the light bulb!” The wife said in […]
A wife decided to watch a romantic movie with her husband. While the movie was playing, the wife said, “Isn’t this movie beautiful?” The husband sarcastically replied, “Yes, but it seems to have a lot of tears!” The wife said, “That’s because men don’t understand romance!” The husband replied, “Or […]
A husband decided to surprise his wife on her birthday with a date. He went to a fancy restaurant and reserved a special table. When the wife arrived, she looked around and asked, “Why did you choose this place?” The husband replied, “Because I want to show you that I […]
A man walks into a bar and orders a glass of 21-year-old whiskey. He takes a sip, then immediately spits it out. “I asked for a 21-year-old whiskey! This is only 18 years. I’m not paying for this! Bring me a 12-year-old cognac instead.” The bartender complies, but again, the […]
A man’s wife was in a coma and the doctors were not able to bring her out of it. The doctor is talking to the husband and says, “There might be one way to being her out of the coma. It’s unusual, but it has worked in the past.” The […]
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge £50 for sex.” The man reluctantly paid her, and […]
A husband and wife went on a shopping spree at a high-end mall. The wife was admiring a beautiful dress in a store window, and the husband sighed, “I guess we’re going in.” Inside, the wife tried on the dress, and the husband waited outside the fitting room. When she […]
A couple went to the supermarket to do their weekly shopping. As they were wandering the aisles, the wife noticed her husband wandering off into the snack aisle. She called out, “Honey, we need to stick to our list!” The husband replied, “Just a minute, dear. I’m looking for something […]
A Lebanese customer was walking into a popular market looking for a gift for his wife. He stopped in front of a flower seller and asked: “Do you have a special bouquet of flowers?” The seller said: “Yes, we have a very special bouquet! It contains different types of flowers!” […]
A ship with 30 sailors and one woman strands on a desert island. After one month the woman says: “I can not proceed in this way.” And she suicides herself. After another month, the sailors say: “We can not proceed in this way.” And they bury the woman. The next […]
A priest took a beautiful girl in his bedroom. He put a Bible on the bed and asked the girl to lie on the bed. When the priest tried to have se* with her, the girl shouted: “Father, what are you doing?” The priest replied “Calm down my child. Holy […]
A woman is divorcing her husband on the grounds of cruelty. His organ is so large it hurts her to have se*. After she has explained her problem to a lawyer, he tells her that he’ll file her petition. ‘Stuff that!’ says the woman. ‘Why can’t you go round and […]
A hippie walks on a bus and sees a nun. Being the straight forward kind of guy he is, he says “Hey baby, want to have se*?” The nun says “God no!” so she gets off the bus angry. When the hippie is about to get off the bus, the […]
A man knocked on a door an a women answered and he asked if he could use her toilet. She said you have 3 chances, if you do 3 things wrong I`ll call the police. So he went to piss but on the flush chain there was a bra so […]
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Amal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan’. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, […]
A Jewish Mother was horrified to find out her daughter was divorcing her doctor husband. “Does he hit you?” she asked. “No Ma.” “Is he cheating on you?” “No Ma.” “Did he lose his money?” “No Ma.” “You live in a beautiful house, you have luxury cars, your clothes are […]
A daughter asks her dad if she can invite some friends over for a sleepover Later that evening, he overhears them playing a game of “Truth or Dare”, and his daughter is asked when was the last time she had an orgasm, to which she responds “3 days ago”, at […]
An elderly mother and her young daughter was walking in front of a temple when the monk happened to spot them. The daughter was wearing booty shorts and a tank top at the time. The monk called from the distance and came towards them. “Child, that’s not an outfit for […]
The night before her wedding the mother takes her daughter aside. “Now, look,” she tells her daughter “Men are a little strange sometimes. If he ever tells you to turn over, I want you to get out of bed, pack your things and come home to me.” So the couple […]
Homosexuality is wrong because it is unnatural. Now, lets learn about a man born of virgin birth, that healed lepers and blind people with his hands, walked on water, turned water into wine, and how all the wrong in the world happened because a rib ate an apple because a […]
A man walks into a bar with an orange for a head. The bartender pours him a drink and says: “So—you want to tell me about it?” “Well, I was walking on the beach,” says the man with an orange for a head. “I found an old lamp in the […]
Woman goes to see a gynaecologist for the first time and is laying back when she hears him gasp Worried she asks if everything is OK and the gynaecologist responds. “Sorry, no, everything’s fine and healthy don’t worry. It’s you just have the largest vagina I have ever seen, and […]
A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve strings here.” The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up […]
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, “I’ve got news for you. You’re going straight to hell!” The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, […]
A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand. The turtle’s one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape. The bartender looks at the guy and asks: “What’s wrong with your turtle?” […]
A guy walked into a bar and said “Beers for everyone, even you, Bartender.” But when it was time to pay, the guy didn’t have the money, so the bartender beat him up. The next day the guy did the same thing, ordered a beer for everyone, even the bartender, […]
There were three guys in a bar boasting about the amount of control they have over their wives after getting drunk. One said my wife never says no to me, the second one says my wife always says yes to me. After a while one of the first two turns […]
A guy robs a bank and gets sentenced to prison for life. On his first day in prison. he sits down to lunch, terrified. No one’s saying anything. You could cut the silence with a knife. Then suddenly a biker-looking guy at his table stands up and shouts “FORTY EIGHT” […]
A princess promised to marry the man who will make her orgasm 100 times on a single session. Many knights and noblemen came forward to try their luck and stamina. One was exhausted after 5 orgasms. The second after 7. Then there was one who managed to make her orgasm […]
My friends warned me about this girl who was an abusive toxic manipulator, but I didn’t believe them and decided to go on a date with her. The date went well and we ended up in her bedroom. We both undressed and she explained her last boyfriends were hung like […]
A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around, that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of […]
A man and his trainer are preparing for a Championship Wrestling Match. The trainer tells the man, ” You look lean, you look strong, but whatever you do, don’t let him get you in the pretzel hold. No one has ever gotten out of the pretzel hold.” The day of […]
The young boy and girlfriend were finally alone together. He started pestering her for se*. “Come on, it will be fine, he said.” Blushing, she said “No…we shouldn’t…” “What about just the tip?” he said. “Well, ok,” she replied. He slowly starts to slide it in, and at first, he […]
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.” The room is quiet […]
A shy guy goes into a pub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?” She responds by yelling, at […]
There is that married couple and it was almost midnight. The husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water with an evil smile on his face. His wife asks, “I didn’t want aspirins from you. What’s these aspirins for?” “It’s for your headache.” “I don’t […]
A married couple who are professional skydivers decide they want to adopt a child. They visit an adoption agency, but the social workers there are hesitant about the idea. The couple explains that they live in a spacious, modern house with a fully equipped playroom and a large, secure backyard […]
Your best friend has three girlfriends. Their names are Doe, Ray, and Me. All 3 wants to do something special so they set up some dates. Three days ago Doe kisses him. Two days ago Ray vaginal s3x. Yesterday, Now Tell Me: Who sucks his dick?
Little Johnny finds out the neighbors dog had puppies so he goes over to play with them. Being a little boy he starts getting too rough. The neighbor says, “be nice Johnny or karma will get you.” Johnny plays nice for a bit but starts Johnny plays nice for a […]
Little Johnny Knows Secret of His Father Little Johnny’s dad asked if Little Johnny wanted to play a game Little Johnny asked, “What game is it”? His Dad replied saying “For the next hour, sit on the front porch, count how many blue cars drive-by”. And he sent little Johnny […]
Jealous Kid Applies Poison on Her Mom’s Nipples A little boy was jealous that his new born brother was getting all the attention of his family now so he decided to put poison on his mom’s nipples. Two days later. the mailman, a neighbor, and the pizza the delivery guy […]
As a blonde crawls out of her wrecked car, the local sheriff asks her what happened. The blonde began, “It was the strangest thing! I looked up and saw a tree, so I swerved to the right. and another …” The sheriff thought for a minute and then said, “Mam […]
A Zen novice called for an electrician. Upon arrival at the monk’s apartment, the electrician asked how he could be of assistance. “I’m having trouble and I still can’t get it to work.” The electrician examined the lamp, then nodded his head. “Well, this lamp has a built-in clapper, see?” […]
A blonde man marries his girlfriend who is also blonde. It’s their first honeymoon night and the man doesn’t quite know what to do. He calls his dad, who says, “Son, you take the hardest thing you got and you put it where she goes to the bathroom.” The newlywed […]
A blonde is swimming in a river. A man walks up and asks her, “What are you doing in there?” She says, “I’m washing my clothes. ” The man asks, “Why don’t you use a washing machine?” The blonde says, “I tried that, but it was too dizzy.
A blonde decides to try horseback rising. On her first outing, the bouncing horse causes her to lose control. As she’s thrown from the horse, her foot catches in the stirrup, so she lands head first. Just as she loses consciousness, the carnie stops the carousel.
Two blondes walk beside each other down the street. One of them sees a broken piece of mirror on the ground, grabs it, looks at it and says, “This girl looks so familiar, but I can’t remember where I know her from.” The other girl grabs it from her hand, […]
A man is sitting at a bus stop, and there is another man sitting next to him. Suddenly another man comes up to the second guy and says “E-E-Excuse me, s-sir. C-Co-Could you p-p-please gi-give me d-directions t-to-to the n-ne-nearest gro-grocery s-st-store?” The man didn’t say anything. He just sat […]
A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day. by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the […]
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband’s libido. “What about trying Viagra?” asked the doctor. “Not a chance” she replied. “He won’t even take an aspirin”. “Not a problem,” said the doctor. “Give him an Irish Viagra.” “What on Earth […]
A man walks into a bar and says “4 drinks please” The Bartender asks “Rough day?”, the man replies “Yeah, I just found out that my brother is gay”, the Bartender says “Well everyone has their own path”. The next day the man walks into the bar again and says […]
A teenage boy keeps depositing one million dollar in his bank account every day one day, Mrs. Mary the bank manager asks him to provide the source of all the money he’s depositing “I win it through gambling” he answers “nobody can win that much money so consistently through gambling” […]
An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.” “Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams. “We can’t stand the sight of each […]
“A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn’t paying attention, so she asks him, “If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?” Johnny says, “None.” The teacher asks, “Why?” Johnny says, “Because the shot scared them all […]
A woman went to the Laundromat one day She turns in a shirt with a stain hoping to get it removed. It was a short trip, she payed, she dropped off the shirt, and left. As she was leaving, the woman at the counter says to her “Come again” and […]
An old couple were talking about the days they were a young couple. The wife asked her husband, “What exactly did you think of me when we met?” Her husband replied, “I was able to describe you using the entire alphabet back then!” “What do you mean exactly?” “A: Adorable. […]
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital. The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery. He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure. The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to […]
A blonde and a brunette are taking a break. The brunette pulls out a thermos and starts to sip coffee while eating her lunch. The blonde asks what’s up with the funny looking flask. “It’s a thermos flask, it keeps hot beverages hot, and cold beverages cold!” the blonde is […]
A crab and a lobster are secretly dating. Pretty soon, the lobster tires of the lying and tells her father, who then forbids her to see the crab anymore. ‘It will never work honey’, he says to her. ‘Crabs walk sideways and we walk straight’. ‘Please’, she begs her father. […]
A man is walking through the wood and he meets a really ugly, big and a fat frog. The frog says: “Hello, prince if you kiss me, I will fulfill you one wish. You can wish whatever you want.” The man says: “Ok, I will kiss you.” He kisses the […]
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem – the captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand […]
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, […]
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs […]
A girl walks up to her mother and asks, “Mommy, why am I named Clover?” “Your grandma believes that it brings luck to our family.” Then, her other daughter walks up. “Mommy, why am I named Nirvana?” “Because, your aunt believes that is the place you go when you are […]
A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat. “No!” yells the blonde. Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again. “For the last time, no!” says […]
The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don’t sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on […]
A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom. The wife can’t orgasm because it’s too damn hot. They See A Se* Therapist, And He Recommends That They Have A Constant Supply Of Cool Air In The Bedroom, So The Man Asks His Best Friend To Waft A Towel […]
A husband and wife were having dinner They were at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she’ll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, “Who the hell was […]
A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability. So the couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful […]
A lawyer’s wife died. At her grave, everyone was appalled. The tombstone read, “HERE LIES PHYLLIS, WIFE OF ATTORNEY MURRAY WILLIAMS; SPECIALIZES IN DIVORCE AND MALPRACTICE”. Murray burst into tears. His brother said, “You SHOULD cry, pulling a cheap publicity stunt like this.” Murray said, “You don’t understand. I gave […]
Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says … “I’m sleeping with the priest’s wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?” The friend doesn’t like it but being a buddy, he agrees. After mass, Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all […]
A blonde has been working in a broom factory since childhood, despite the state’s strict anti-child labor laws, and has always been a good worker. But one day, she storms into her boss’ office. “I quit! That’s it, I’m not working here anymore!” “Why?” asks the boss. “What’s the problem?” […]
A blonde pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died. After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly. “What’s the story?” she asked. “Just crap in the carburator, ” the mechanic replied. “How often do I have to do […]
